In a joint statement released just minutes before the signal cut out, a global consortium of scientists, economists, and vaguely confident tech billionaires confirmed what many had long suspected: that this is, in fact, the final headline. “We’ve analyzed every model, every scenario,” said Dr. Lena Hu from behind a flickering Zoom call. “It’s not just the end of news — it’s the end of new.”
Citizens worldwide reportedly greeted the announcement with a strange sense of relief, quietly scrolling through feeds one last time as the skies turned lavender-orange and the horizon gave off what many described as “main character energy.” When reached for comment, the man watching the mushroom cloud simply nodded, whispering, “Finally… some closure.”